


Till my Last

by MrsVakarian



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Sad Cullen, kinda angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-12 10:00:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19944319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsVakarian/pseuds/MrsVakarian
Summary: Long nights are a regular for the Inquisitor and Cullen. Between Cullen's nightmares and Rue's responsibilities, it's rare that they get a full nights sleep without interruption. This night is no different. But this time, it's the anchor that makes a night call and the Inquisitor is faced with a harsh truth.





	Till my Last

**Author's Note:**

> Hello lovely people! I'm dipping my toes back into writing fanfic and it's been a LOOOOOOOONG time so I've got a lot to relearn. I hope this is enjoyable and doesn't just sound alright in my head!

A green flash, a quiet hiss, and pain seared through Rue’s left arm. Pulled jarringly from her sleep, Rue sat up and clutched her twitching hand to her chest. Biting back cries of pain, she looked to her left at the man sleeping next to her, his face relaxed, his chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm. They had just fallen back to sleep after Cullen had been awoken by nightmares. 

The nightmares have come less frequently over the last few months but still, every so often, Cullen would be revisited by his old demons and Rue would hold him, running her long fingers along the hard ridges of his back till his breath slowed and the memories faded. He had just gone back to sleep after an already trying evening, she couldn’t wake him up again with her blasted anchor.

Rue waited till the wave of pain subsided and then carefully slid out of her bed, slipping into the robe draped over the chair beside her. As quietly as she could, the mage crept across her chambers to the door leading to her outside landing. Listening intently for any change in Cullen’s breathing, Rue rounded her desk and reached out to push one of the large doors out into the cold night air. The anchor spit at her, emitting small crackles of emerald energy and feeling as though it were ripping her hand into pieces. The young noble fell back as her legs gave out beneath her. Her right hand flew out to catch herself on the desk, while she pressed her left to her stomach to muffle the pulsing mark. 

Now sweating and panting heavily, Rue heaved herself off of the desk. Stumbling forward, she threw herself against the door and pushed it open just enough that she could slip out. She made her way to the opposite side of the balcony, as far away from the door as she could. She collapsed to her knees on the cool stone of the balcony. The cold felt soothing against her burning skin and she pressed her palm flat on the surface, looking for any sort of relief. 

It was no use trying to call on magic to help, she couldn’t concentrate enough to form two words let alone perform a spell. And that was assuming that using magic wouldn’t make it worse. As another wave of pain subsided, the Inquisitor pushed herself up with shaking arms and turned to lean back against the wall. Tilting her head up she closed her eyes and took deep breaths, letting the frigid air fill her lungs, cooling herself from the inside. 

This was a bad one. One of the worst episodes she’s ever had. How much longer would she have to deal with this? With Coripheus gone and the breach sealed, Rue had hoped that the anchor would just fade away. Not only has it persisted, it seems to be getting more violent. The pain that used to only sear through her hand now wracks almost the entire left half of her body. 

Sparks like green lightning dance up her arm in an almost teasing way as Rue waited for the inevitable next wave. The mage was certain that the anchor would consume her eventually, if nothing could be done to stop it. And with Solas, the only one with any semblance of knowledge on the anchor, still no where to be found, stopping the progression of her curse seemed more and more unlikely.

Of course, she would never say any of this in front of Cullen. While he has been present for a few smaller outbursts of the tear in her palm, she has gone to great lengths to hide her worsening condition. With all the reconstruction and diplomacy problems plaguing what is left of the Inquisition, the last thing she wanted Cullen to have to worry about was the growing mark of uncontrollable energy that was getting closer and closer to overtaking her. She isn’t sure how the ex-templar will react when he eventually learns what she’s been hiding, but she wants to save him from that stress and agony as long as possible. His nightmares were bad enough.

A burst of light erupted from the anchor, sounding like the crack of a whip and engulfing her in the oppressive aura of the fade. Rue clutched her hand to her chest and fell to her side, curling into a tight ball. She felt as if something was desperate to claw its way out of her, whispering in her mind and tearing at her flesh. She couldn’t stop herself this time from crying out so she pushed her face into the crook of her arm to muffle her cries as best she could. She could hardly breathe, she couldn’t even think. All she could do was wait for it to stop. 

Would it stop? Maybe this was it, this was when the anchor finally claimed her. She didn’t think she would mind right now. Anything was better than this pain. 

A warm hand lightly covered the bare, sweaty skin on the back of her neck. Even though Rue was unable to unfurl herself to look up, she knew from the gentle touch and comforting presence that Cullen had awoken and found her. If he was speaking she couldn’t hear him. The blood rushing in her ears and the loud crackling made it hard to hear anything. She could feel him kneel in front of her, his other hand coming to cover the hand she had tightly clenched in her own hair. 

The anchor, seeming to spare her for now, slowly started to dim, the shocks of the fade aura releasing it’s grip on her and receded back into her hand. She was gasping now, taking in as much air as she could. Sweat covered every inch of her skin but she could feel her muscles begin to relax somewhat. 

“Rue! Maker, say something! Please!” Cullen pleaded loudly, his hands shaking as they held her.

Rue’s body was slow to respond. She released the hold on her hair and grabbed Cullen’s hand, her grip weak but she still tried to squeeze his hand as best she could. Still panting, Rue started to release herself from her tight ball. Cullen’s hand went to her arm, supporting her as she pushed herself up.

“I-I’m alright.” Her voice was much shakier than she hoped it would be.

Cullen made a noise in the back of his throat. One could almost call it a scoff.

“Yes, quite alright. That’s why you’re out here in the middle of the night writhing on the ground in the freezing cold.” She could hear the tension in his voice, but she could also hear how it wavered. 

Cullen helped Rue sit up fully with firm hands on her shoulders. Rue could now see his face. His face was devoid of most color and his eyes desperately searched hers, heavy with concern and fear. Without a word, Cullen pulled Rue into his arms, holding her against his chest tightly as if afraid she would fade away. Rue pressed her face against his chest, breathing in his scent of iron, ink and earth. His heat was almost unbearable but she would never let go.

“How long have your episodes been getting worse?” Cullen finally asked, voice tight with contained emotions. 

The now exhausted young mage heaved a sigh and wrapped her arms around Cullen’s torso, clutching at the fabric of the robe covering his back. 

“Not long.” 

They were quiet for a while, Cullen rubbing circles on her back as her anchor occasionally hissed at her, causing her to curl her arm back against her. The pain was a mere shadow of what it was before but still enough to make most of her arm numb.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He said quietly, his voice barely reverberating in his chest.

Rue pushed off his chest slightly, just enough so she could meet his sad, tired eyes. There was hurt there too.

“I’m sorry Cullen, I...I just didn’t want to give you more cause to be worried.”

“You didn’t want-...I _should_ be worried. _You_ should be worried. This is the definition of worrisome Rue. This thing on your hand is getting worse and we barely understand what it even is. Have you talked to anyone? Vivian? Dorian? Surely someone must know something we can do.”

Rue shook her head. This was exactly what she was trying to avoid. She could practically feel his pulse rising as the panic in this voice increased. She brought her hand up to run her thumb along his jaw, watching the vein throb in his neck before she placed her hand over it. She looked back into his eyes, feeling her heart break slightly at the desperation in his expression. 

“Cullen, you know as well as I that no one knows anything more about the anchor than we already know. Other than Solas but we might likely never see him again.”

“So we’re going to just let that thing swallow-”

He couldn’t finish the sentence, the words died in his throat and he shook his head, the hand at her neck clenching slightly in her hair. 

“I’m not going to let it take you from me.”

Rue’s heart constricted and she shook her head firmly.

“I’m not going to let it do anything to me either. I have been looking around for any knowledge, on my own and with the fade mages. It’s still a very new discipline but maybe someday they’ll discover something that could help. And Lelliana and I have sent scouts out as far as my influence can reach looking for Solas. I will fight. I am fighting. I will never stop fighting.”

Using the hand she had at the young Commanders neck, Rue pulled Cullen down to pressed her forehead against his. She took a deep breath.

“But we can’t be naive. It is very likely that one day this anchor...will kill me.”

Cullen started and made to interrupt but Rue shook her head.

“Please, Cullen. I always had a feeling that this thing would be the end of me. My fate was sealed that day at the conclave. And while I wont go down quietly, I have made my peace. I’m not afraid.”

Rue pulled back to look back in Cullen’s eyes, which conveyed such heart break that she almost broke down. Blinking back tears and swallowing the lump in her throat, she gave him a small smile. 

“I’ve gotten to be apart of something truly amazing and led an organization of the bravest men and women Thedas has ever known. Because of this anchor I met all of my closest friends. And you.” Her voice grew stronger, her heart brimming with love for her second family.

She brought her faintly glowing hand in between them, noting somewhere in the back of her mind that the tear looked wider.

“I hate this anchor. I wish it were gone but without it I would have died at the conclave like everyone else. Without this mark I wouldn’t be here with you. You would never have known me.”

Cullen’s arms around her tightened, his eyes glistening in the green light of the anchor.

“You make having this anchor worth everything. All the pain, all the fear, even my life. And if my time truly is coming, I would much rather spend it just as I have been. Loving you, working with you, laughing with you. Not in a mad dash to find any scrap of information that probably wont even help.”

“I-I can’t...” He choked on his words as he fought down a sob.

Rue wiped away one of the tears falling down her Commander’s face, ignoring the ones streaming down her own. 

“I don’t EVER want to leave you, my love. But if I have no choice, then I want the rest of my days spent living with you. And my nights to be here, with you, every night. Till my last.” She finished, her voice unsteady but clear.

Rue was pulled into Cullen’s chest again as he buried his face into her neck. She could feel him trembling and she wrapped her arms around him as tight as she could. Rue didn’t know what would happen now. Would he comply and keep living their days as they have been? Could he do that? She knew how much he hated feeling helpless. Almost as much as she did. 

A smaller, darker part of her spoke up for just a moment, but it was enough to run a chill through her body. 

‘What if he leaves? What if he can’t stand the idea of watching you die and leaves to avoid the pain? What if that’s best for him?’ the small voice said, quiet but it might as well have shouted in her ear. ‘Do you remember his face when you were twitching on the ground? He was hurting. It’ll only get worse. Do you want him to suffer?’

She tried to push the thoughts out of her head but they now echoed in her mind, filling her heart with guilt and dread. Her body began to stiffen as she tried to keep herself from shaking. Cullen noticed and pulled back to look at her but she couldn’t meet his face this time. She pushed her forehead against his chest her hands clenched in his robe so tight, her knuckles paled.

“Rue? Are you alright? Is it the anchor?” Cullen tried to push her back to see her face but she held strong.  
“No, no it’s not that, it’s just….” She took a shaky breath. “If...You don’t have to stay...I would understand if you didn’t want...couldn’t...watch...” She didn’t know how to finish so she just trailed off and closed her eyes. 

Cullen was silent for a moment. A long moment. Too long of a moment and Rue thought her heart would burst from the nerves. Then slowly, Cullen’s arms came around her, one at her shoulders to tip her back and the other hooked under her legs. Before she could even make a sound Cullen stood with Rue secure in his arms. She quickly wrapped her arms around his neck, slightly startled at the sudden change of position. 

“What are you..” Rue began to ask before Cullen walked to the doors leading to her chambers. Their chambers.

Silently he walked through the door, closing it with his heel, and approached their bed. Instead of setting her on the mattress, Cullen climbed in with her still in his arms. He leaned back into the pillows propped up against the ornate headboard and adjusted Rue so she was lying comfortably, half on his chest and half between his legs but still entirely wrapped in his arms. 

He ran his hand along her back, making a slow, lazy circle that almost immediately had her eyes feeling heavy. His other hand tangled in her hair. She could feel his thumb softly brushing against her scalp. 

“You shouldn’t say such ridiculous things, you know. Cassandra would have your head for being so nonsensical.” His voice was deep in his chest. Quiet but she could hear the hint of teasing. 

The tired mage smiled before pulling herself tighter against him. 

“You’re right, I’m sorry. Don’t tell Cassandra. I really can’t take another lecture.”

His chest shook with a small laugh and she felt him press his lips firmly to the top of her head. Rue’s eyes slid closed and she was asleep before she could hear Cullen’s response.


End file.
